Day 3

I kept looking at the time today. Sundays has been our day usually. Dreading the time to book in. Nagging at you slightly cos you're so last minute. I kept thinking of you. How was booking in this time round? Are you okay without me? Who sent you off? Did you go by yourself? All these questions haunted me. I wanted to text you so badly. I wanted to ask if you wanted me to be there to send you off. But then, if I were to do that, what good would it bring you? I'll be torturing you even more. And I can't bear to do that anymore. Like you said, "It would be as though you're so close yet so far." 

I've been looking through our videos and pictures. And even rereading our conversations. I know I'm not suppose to do that if i want to move on. But I don't wna move on. Not just yet. Not anytime soon I guess. I'm still wearing your necklace. I'm proud to wear it actually. And hopefully, your wallet will be something that reminds you of me. Something physically constant with you all the time. 

I miss texting you. I miss calling you dear,baby, babe etc. I guess I just have to swallow these bitterness consequences that I've chosen and live with it. I miss you so fucking much. I want you to know that. I love you.

I've been distracting myself all day long. With cigarettes as my companion. I know you hate it. But, its one of the better ways for me to calm down. And not cry. I'm tired of crying already. However these tears still don't allow me to stop the flow. When will I get over this? Will I even be able to?