Soul-searched

School has started for me but not officially. Yet. I'm really nervous on how 2012 will be for me. Will it be different good or bad ? How will people look at me ? I know some might say that I shouldn't care on how people will judge me yada yada, but I think its natural for these thoughts to come to mind. Its also human nature to have the tendency of feeling rather afraid on how people will see you. If its good judgement, then why not. But what if its bad? Its funny but the first thing that come to my mind about people judging me is them labeling me as a 'minah'. I'm literally smiling to myself right now upon typing this cos I find it amusing. People tell me that I don't have the 'minah' face and all but with my skin tone so tan = instantly obvious to be identified as a Malay GIRL = Minah. Its funny right  how just a malay girl can equates to 'minah'. Cos thats what everyone thinks it ought to be.

But I don't want to be labelled as 'minah'. Then everyone will go again, " You're not a minah la, Syuhrah." I know I'm not but maybe some parts of me are partially a 'minah'? Gawd I don't know. I know that when I speak Malay and English its extremely 2 different accents and .... to be honest, I don't know what I'm ranting about. I guess I got carried away and I'm just overreacting and thinking too much.

I should just ignore those people who judge me before knowing me personally. I just hope it'll be a better year. I want a better 2012. I need a great JC1 all over again. I regretted how playful I was last year during my MYE and CAs. Apparently, just promo results isn't good enough.

Seeing how the girls reacted to their results reminded me of mine last year. How I miscalculated my scores before opening the envelope and teared so badly... That memory... I told myself that it was a wake up call. But how long did that bitterness of mine stayed in me? At first I took it as a form of motivation. But when I was in JC, that motivation didn't stick long enough to make me produce good results or at least a pass. I tend to take things for granted and that is something that I have to change this year. I cannot take things for granted. Even if things were getting better, I mustn't be complacent and forget about my failures in the past. Thinking back, I guess I never learnt from my mistake. Maybe I did, but only for a short period of time and then I handle things like how they were and fall back into the same trap. And the vicious cycle begins. Staying back is making me reflect and I'm really asking so many questions to myself. Why am I in a JC? Is this what I really want? Why did I choose to repeat? And the list of questions goes on.. I don't want anyone to make the same moves as me. If you've decided to go to a JC, you jolly well work your ass off and don't waste another year like me. However poly is indifferent. Whichever choice you make, there are never shortcuts in life. You have to work for it.

Just so you girls know, I love you girls very much, and I'll always be there supporting you guys.